I consider myself lucky for being able to cycle to work every day. I don't think there is bad weather for cycling but rather cycling with the wrong equipment. I don't really care if it's hot, raining, snowing, or windy. I hop on my bike and for the next 30+ minutes I am usually all alone with my thoughts.
That's when sometimes crazy ideas or thoughts pop up and I think that my blog might be a good platform to put them "on paper". I hope this to become a series of funny, informative, or thought provoking posts which might make your day a little more interesting :)
Every man's life comes at some time or another to a point of no return. Usually it starts with an innocent question from your mom, girlfriend, or wife.
“Can you open this jar for me?”
At this point in time your world splits into two very distinct pieces.
On the inside your brain tells you:
Alert! Alert! This is not a practice drill, this is for real. I repeat. This is not a practice drill, this is for real!!!
On the outside you are like:
Sure. Hand me the jar.
Now it's very important to do something that will tell the other person you have everything under control while at the same time your brain is still firing orders to the entire body that shit is about to get real - big time.
What I usually do is to sniffle silently but still loud enough that she can hear it. You can yawn for a second or crack your neck (just one side here since you are not preparing for a fight) or do anything else you think will support your I can do this with no problem attitude.
Once you have the jar in your hands you will embark on a 4 phases journey which, hopefully, will end in you handing over an open jar.
Phase 1 - Your body gets ready
This is the prep phase where your body is flooded with hormones and ready for action. All systems are go and you can feel the blood rushing to your arms. Your skin is changing as well. It's getting this red-ish glow which, just like a peacock expanding his tail, signals Don't mess with me you damn jar.
Phase 2 - You make first (real) contact
You place your (probably sweaty) palms on the lid and side of the jar and start twisting the lid. This is a crucial moment. You still have the confidence of a Greek God and the strength of an army. You keep twisting and now, once again, you stand at a crossroad.
Phase 2a - You open the jar
Let's be honest to ourselves here. You are more likely to land a half court basketball shot than to open the jar at this point. Move along. Nothing to see here.
Phase 3 - Damn it this thing is tight!!!
Once the initial rush wears off you realize that this jar has been sitting on the shelf for God knows how long. You can't tell for sure if it's been glued by the content and vacuum inside the jar or some NASA grade glue which keeps the ISS in place.
You have to re position your hands and now shit is about to get real.
Phase 4 - Please, please, please open!
The outsiders can easily recognize this phase from a few clues.
- Your elbows aren't at a 90 degree angle like they were when you started opening the jar
- You bring the jar very close to your stomach in order to have the greatest leverage
- The veins on your forehead and neck start to get alarmingly large
- Your face turns red in such a way everyone thinks you are soon having a heart attack
It's very important here not to comment on the technique, physical appearance, or anything else related to the process of jar-opening since this will throw your mini Hercules into a state he won't be able to recover from for days.
The number of please increases exponentially with every second passed since you haven't been breathing for 10+ seconds now and you don't think this damn thing will budge an inch and your manhood will fall into the abyss.
Click!
Congratulations! You have successfully opened the jar!!! Now quickly hand over the jar and get back to whatever you have been doing 20 seconds earlier. It's of the utmost importance to carry on as if nothing happened. You got a task and you finished it like a boss. No biggie.
If the other person leaves the room, quickly run to the window or balcony and suck in as much air as you can. You have damaged your muscles and need to rest for a few days to recover fully so try to avoid anything else you are asked to do. You don't want to do any work while your body is still not fully recovered from this mythical task since the risk of injury is high.
The days following this earth shattering task you pulled off are yours and only yours. Tell a few of you close friends about it and watch their eyes become watery while at the same time a small smile accompanied with a slight nod of the head tells you your street cred is now through the roof.
There is no need for words at this moment. Anything that needs to be communicated can be expressed non verbally. That's the beauty of being a man. Sometimes you don't need to talk things over (and over) to get the message across.
Enjoy this time while it lasts because the next jar will come your way for sure.